Ten ways to wreck your marriage

If you want to have a long and happy marriage, or save a failing one, you certainly won’t want to be following the marriage advice on this page. If, however, you want to save your marriage, or you simply like the idea of getting married, staying married, and having a long and successful marriage, read on to discover what not to do.

Go into it with unrealistic expectations.

Marriage is a lot of things, but it’s not a magic cure-all, a solution to all your problems, a guarantee of future happiness, or an insurance policy against life itself. Our culture encourages all of us, especially women, to buy into the “happy ever after” concept and it can come as a shock to realize that the first year of marriage is often more of a period of adjustment and compromise, rather than romance and bliss. Accept right now that your partner has faults (strangely enough the same ones he had when you were dating) and so do you. Live with it. It’s called reality, and a diamond ring and a fairy-tale ceremony aren’t going to make it go away.

Rely on your spouse to provide for all your needs.

Yes, you are married, but you’re still a person in your own right. With the possible exception of early infancy there is no period of your life when one person can or should fulfil all your emotional, social, intellectual and practical needs. Live your own life, and take pleasure and satisfaction from every part of it, including your marriage.

Pick your battles unwisely.

If you fight over every little thing, not only will you make your life miserable and unproductive, but your spouse will never know which issues are really important to you. The less you argue, the more your partner will take notice of you when you do. This applies to every area of your life, not just your marriage.

Discuss your marriage with outsiders.

This includes friends, family, neighbours and co-workers. “But she’s not an outsider, she’s my sister,” you may protest. If she didn’t take the wedding vows with you, she’s not part of the marriage. The only person, other than your spouse, you should be discussing your marriage with is a professional relationship counsellor.

Stop discussing your marriage with your spouse.

If your friends, family and co-workers are outsiders, who can you talk to? The only other insider in your marriage - your spouse. Men, in particular may shy away from this. Some men think that the whole “Where is this relationship going?” discussion ends with the engagement, but marriage is a journey, not a destination and it’s advisable to check that you’re both still heading in the same direction, or at least looking at the same map. These discussions don’t have to be a big deal, or an ordeal. In fact they should be fun. They’re an opportunity to talk about plans, dreams, and ideas, both those you can share and those you can support each other through.

Always put your kids first.

Having kids can bring you together or rip you apart, and it’s easy to see why. On the one hand, you both love your kids more than life itself, giving you a unique bond and something to work for and protect. On the other hand, it’s hard to stay connected with each other when your life is being run by a few little 24-hour need machines. Every now and then it’s OK to put your marriage first and relegate your kids to second place, at least temporarily, while you carve out a few hours alone.

Drift apart.

Some marriages end in drama, infidelity, rows and recriminations. Others just slowly, sadly drift apart. Sometimes this isn’t even a bad thing. These can be the amicable splits where you remain friends and just go off and live your separate lives, but let’s take the old-fashioned view and assume that your marriage vows meant something. Is drifting apart inevitable? Of course not. Drifting is reactive. Swimming back towards each other is proactive, and marriage, like most things in life, should be about being proactive. If you find yourselves drifting, make a commitment to re-connect. It takes a bit of effort, but what doesn’t?

Underestimate the power of compliments.

Did you compliment your spouse today? If not, why not? Did you compliment your kids? Many people will reply to that one “Of course I try and compliment my kids – it’s good for their self-esteem”. Just remember that many adulterers, especially women, will mention low self-esteem as a motivating factor for starting an affair.

Use the word ‘divorce’.

Divorce is like many curse words. It’s a word that used to be taken seriously but now it gets thrown around in arguments as a way to emphasise just how mad you are. But remember, once you use it, it’s out there. It’s a possibility. Some of the strongest couples simply vow, early on, that they won’t threaten their spouse with that word. This won’t make you immune to getting divorced, but it will ensure that it’s not an easy option that is on the table in your day to day dealings with each other.

Bring up the past – relentlessly.

It’s easy, and sometimes even justifiable, to throw back all your partners misdemeanours during an argument, especially if, for example, he’s attacking you for doing something he has been guilty of in the past. Easy, justifiable, and completely unproductive. As we all tell our children, two wrongs don’t make a right. The best way to avoid this is to deal thoroughly with any issues at the time they arise. You’ll be less likely to bring up the past if it’s been dealt with, resolved and apologies have been made. Then each new issue is just that – a new issue. Not a recurring theme built on old resentments.

I once asked someone who had been married for over fifty years what the key to a long and happy marriage was. She didn’t hesitate to answer “a selective memory”.